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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.