When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.