I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣