me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.