“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”