I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You Might Also Like
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement