I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume