I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
