I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
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Solving a traffic jam
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday