I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
sleeping beauty
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.