Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.