Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Inside you there are two wolves

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.