[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
If only
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
This kid is a star!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……