How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
You Might Also Like
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
…żyje?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Going to church you guys need anything
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit