Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Okey dokey.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
damn he’s good
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.