Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.