what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Natty or not?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.