Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
You Might Also Like
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.