Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
You Might Also Like
nice challenge
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”