Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.