Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.