detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.