Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“That’s what” – She
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.