The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min