kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier