Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.