Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.