Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.