I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I have so many questions.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.