10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
the dark web is just a goth google.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”