ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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こいつ天才
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”