If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.