My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.