Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.