“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.