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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
im 7 sauces long
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?