“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
A small tragedy.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.