Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[eulogy]
line?
birds and squirrels envy us
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.