If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Accurate
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”