@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

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@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

@JPLFR80

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

@OlanDevine

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.