@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

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@HomeProbably

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

@TurboJellyBean

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@SoVeryBritish

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

@holycrapitsakat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN