Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The first matador
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?