GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN