The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
going to the ER y’all need anything
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store