There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park