GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy