In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
You Might Also Like
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.