Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Another interesting #factupdates post!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.