My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.