At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube