I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.