Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.