My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)