Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?