When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’