CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
multitasking lunch
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack