Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.