ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
gm
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye